Now this is some good stuff

Humourous forward I got today.

****
Apparently going around NY at the moment. 1st is a girl's apology
email for cheating on some guy. 2nd is his reply which was Bcc'd
to his entire address book. He makes some excellent points.

****

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying
that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all
the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last
person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at
all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say
all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.

I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can
even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is
thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I
feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The
world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I
don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that
you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant
role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour didn't
reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate
me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do
to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting
with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever
imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and
I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that
you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are
still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would
be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously
feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that
it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me
off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under
"L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care
less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a
load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for
45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so
long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "stupid
thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social
calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went
and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2
hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't
f**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't
care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday.

Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and
Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have
to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good
news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person,
they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who
commands about as much respect as your average child porn
collector.

I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick
who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing
someone else in New Jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint
of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin
Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's
room.

The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump
into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser
last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time
it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin
class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
you do.

Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like
watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad